What Big Eyes You Have!

I am not one who takes compliments well. I love being complimented, but I tend to become embarrassed. Even when given just a small compliment I'm not sure how to handle it. I say thank you, and I mean it, but then I feel like I should compliment them in return. I don't like to do that though, because then it seems solicited, not sincere. I'm kind of curious to know whether others have the same thoughts and feelings, and if not, what ARE their thoughts and feelings? What is the appropriate way to respond to compliments? When does the complimenting become excessive?

Judging by my experience with dating, there must be a lot of women who "require" constant complimenting, because that's what the majority of the men in my past have done. Always complimenting something to do with the way I look, or the things I do or my quirks. Sometimes it feels sincere, but most of the time it feels like they are trying to score brownie points in case they do something to piss me off.

I really do appreciate the acknowledgement of my strengths, unique talents, and such, but don't say it unless you really mean it. Don't search for compliments because you think it will make me happy. I just want the people in my life to be true to themselves.

How To Poop At Work

Alright guys... You may think I am completely disgusting, but I was raised with two brothers and a father who acts like he's 12. Plus at work I supervise male juveniles, so I am constantly bombarded by stench. When I read this I laughed forever. And none of you can deny it... you've been there.



How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it..

We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the * WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet t o make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURD BURGLAR* . Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS* that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you 're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...


NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

Seriously?

In a previous post I wrote about an experience I had with an idiot cop in Riverdale... So I thought I would give you a little update. So far my brother has to driven down to court twice. Once to enter in a plea, and again for them to tell him that the verdict wasn't clear so they were going to continue to trial. First of all, what a waste of gas, time, and tax payer's money. Second of all, WTF? And to put the icing on the cake, my brother went back to the parking lot where we had turned out of. Guess what he saw?



Here is the BEFORE picture... From when we were pulled over:

And here's the AFTER.....

Seriously? The verdict wasn't clear? Obviously they found some problem with where the sign was before. To me this picture looks like an admission of guilt. Otherwise, why would they move the sign? I HIGHLY doubt that we were the only people to miss that sign. But should we have to pay for someones poor judgement in road sign placement?



So that's all for now. I'll let you know what happens once this is all over... Does it really take 2 months to fight a traffic violation?