Can I Go Home Now?

I figured that it's about time that I blog again. And since I am currently working a grave shift, I thought it would be the perfect time. The only problem is I have NO idea what to blog about. I could blog about work and about how stupid my clients are and how they make my brain hurt with their questions and bitching and stuff... Or I could blog about how my "relationships" with men are incredibly confusing and full of drama that I don't like to take part in and how I don't have a clue how to start a serious or even potentially serious relationship... Or I could blog about how I am going on a cruise with one of the best friends ever next May... Or I could blog about how I have recently had a strange obsession with Twix candy bars... Or I could blog about how I had cortisone injected into my arthritic foot the other day and how good it feels now and the fact that you can still see the needle mark on the top of my foot and how I can go up on my tip toes without it hurting for the first time in three years... Or I could blog about how I can't wait until Lost, Grey's Anatomy, and Private Practice begin again so that I can see the resolution of the CRAZY cliff hangers from last season's finales... Or I could blog about randomness and how much I want to eat one of the pretzels that is currently sitting on the desk... staring at me with those salty eyes... But... which one to do? Shall I go in a list? Shall I just blog away about nothing as I seem to be doing right now? I feel like my blog should have a purpose other than just random nothings... But I DID label my blog "Ramblings of an Insomniac"... So I suppose the random rambling nothings that I post are quite appropriate for the name of the blog. I just hope that you all don't get too bored listening to my nothings. And I hope that they make sense at least sometimes. And if they don't, just stay up seven hours past your bedtime, and they will. Trust me.

So... although I am no longer working the grave shift or generally staying up past 11pm, I still struggle from insomnia. It sucks. By definition, insomnia is "difficulty initiating or maintaining sleep, or both" and it may be due to inadequate quality or quantity of sleep. If you wanna read more about it you can check it out here. I have struggled with insomnia for years, it's a common side affect of ADHD, which I was diagnosed with in the fifth grade. I was on Adderall for years to control this condition, but the medication did not help with the sleep disorder. I have been offered sleeping pills many times, but have declined due to the addictive nature of sleeping pills. I have an addictive personality already, and I don't need any help getting hooked on things.

My sister and I frequently have sleep overs... or rather, she wakes up at 3am due to the fact that she also suffers from insomnia (poor kid is only 8) and she sneaks down to my room and climbs in bed with me. She always makes fun of me in the morning because apparently I talk in my sleep. I never say intelligible things, it's always just noises. She says I giggle every night. Sometimes I groan. I'm pretty sure that I've never done this before or choice people would have told me about it. Interesting... I wonder why I would start now. The technical term for sleep talking is Somniloquy. This link also contains links to another sleep disorder that I experience 1-2 times per year, night terrors. I'm glad that Hallie has not been present during any of these times. I frequently wake up with bruises all over my body and blood on my pillow from an unknown source. I would hate to find out that I flail when I have night terrors by hitting my sister while I sleep. That would be heartbreaking.

Anyway... I think that I am done blogging for now.

Until next time, I must big you adieu...

There Is No Charge For Awesomeness.

Norte being the good friend that he is, introduced me to some awesomeness. Through him I have found some of the greatest web comics ever. Such as Questionable Content I love this comic. I can relate a lot to Faye, who is a total commitment-phobic-mental-case-yet-lovable-caring person. I can also relate to Hanners... Who is a little bit psychotic/OCD. Yup. Pretty much me. And through this web comic I stumbled upon Girls With Slingshots which is another awesome comic featuring a talking cactus with an accent. I need to get me one of those.

But the REAL awesomeness is one that he just recently introduced me to. HOLY CRAP IT'S HILARIOUS! I am sitting here in my room trying not to laugh so loud that I wake my brother who is sleeping in the next room. So here it is... OMG! If you are not a nerd, then you may not get some of the jokes. But no matter what, it's a jolly good time. There is another comic on the same site they call "Sillies" it's also worth reading.

I know that there was something else that I was going to include in this post. But by golly I'm tired. And I'm tired of typing. Bye.

Security Breach

There was a security breach in my bedroom the other day. I was sitting at my computer working on the slideshow of my Hallie for her baptism and I hear a buzzing over at my window. I look over... and I see a bumble bee wrestle it's way through my blinds and into my room. This experience among other recent happenings has brought me to realize that I have developed a fear of insects and spiders and other various bugs. Never used to be afraid of them. But now the sight of one incites panic in my heart. I still try to pretend that it doesn't. But holy hell I wanted to run screaming out of my apartment! I was too scared to even kill the thing. I immediately stopped what I was doing and left. Silly me. But the bee was gone when I got home!

BTW: This is what it looked like... It was HUGE! About as long as an Oreo, and FAT. Blech...

Free Hugs!

Hopeless romanticism has taken over my brain lately. It tends to happen when I watch chick flicks. It's a horrible condition that I try to squelch quickly, but sometimes I allow myself a few days of wishing that my soul mate will show up and sweep me off of my feet. My daydreams always involve some kind of terrible break up after which we realize that we are madly in love with each other and we make up and everything is just dandy from there on out... And then I come back to reality and I see that this is real life... and the guy who keeps popping up in my fantasies is not going to realize that he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that even if he did... I really wouldn't want him to. And I realize that I am not in love with him, never have been, I'm just in love with the idea.
I know that this may seem like a negative post, but it really isn't. I'm finally starting to work on my severe commitment issues and being able to identify what I really want. I still have a LOT of therapy before I resemble a functional human being, but it's nice to be able to say that I am making progress. And it's nice to be able to visualize a future that includes trusting someone and actually letting my guard down enough to let myself love someone romantically.
Part of my commitment to change is to let people know how much I care about them. One way I will show them is to give more hugs. So if you see me... and you want a hug... um... ask me for one... I promise to try and not act super freaked out. And eventually, who knows, I may start to enjoy the hugs!

Are You Afraid Of...

The definition of phobia is a persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous. Generally they are caused by an experience had at some point in ones life that has, in result, given that thing or situation a negative connotation. Sadly… I am someone who suffers from many phobias, but it sure does make life interesting! Following are some of my more prominent phobias.

Achluophobia aka nyctohylophobia, scotophobia, or lygophobia

Fear of the dark... This is actually considered a phase of child development and is heightened by imagination. In most cases, you grow out of your fear of the dark. Not me. I had a night light through high school, used a lamp through my first few years of college, and occasionally leave the hall light on. If you turn the light off, I either need to be drunk, or already have my eyes closed. I think my imagination is a little overactive… I imagine all sorts of terrifying creatures and things in the dark… Darkness also reminds me of a feeling… one that threatens to drag me down into the depths of despair. If there are other people there with me in the dark it’s not so bad. Then my chances of being drug down to hell by a creature of the night are significantly lessened. Because I have my flashlight, so while YOU are being abducted, I’M turning on my light and avoiding eternal damnation. Sorry guys, it’s your soul or mine.

Agoraphobia

This is the fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets; also fear of leaving a safe place. The worst place for me is the Spectrum up at USU. It doesn't matter whether there are a couple of hundred or a couple thousand people there, I can't handle it. I went to a USU Gymnastics meet a couple of years ago, and it did not go over well. I lasted about fifteen minutes before having a panic attack. It's quite embarrassing when you are sitting there watching a routine on the uneven bars and you start hyperventilating and bawling uncontrollably.This is a real bummer because I am unable to go and watch my sister's cheerleading team for fear of freaking out. And I say no to going to see awesome concerts if they are going to be in a venue any larger than a bar.

Amaxophobia

The fear of riding in a car. Being involved in so many accidents has kinda screwed with my head. It's gotten better as time goes on, but I HATE riding in a car. Driving doesn't bother me, it's being a passenger in a car that drives me insane. It goes back to my overactive imagination. Where you see a winding road... I see our bodies horribly mangled and burning in a pile of shapeless metal at the bottom of a ravine. Yes I actually picture this in my head as you are driving. I imagine all of the worst possible scenarios for each situation. I have learned some good techniques to help me cope with this phobia, because in this day and age you HAVE to ride in a car occasionally. So if you are ever driving me somewhere and I seem to be off in my own little world... I AM. Take your pick: Spacey Chontel... or Psychotic Chontel. While you may think the two things are synonymous, they are not.