Free Hugs!

Hopeless romanticism has taken over my brain lately. It tends to happen when I watch chick flicks. It's a horrible condition that I try to squelch quickly, but sometimes I allow myself a few days of wishing that my soul mate will show up and sweep me off of my feet. My daydreams always involve some kind of terrible break up after which we realize that we are madly in love with each other and we make up and everything is just dandy from there on out... And then I come back to reality and I see that this is real life... and the guy who keeps popping up in my fantasies is not going to realize that he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that even if he did... I really wouldn't want him to. And I realize that I am not in love with him, never have been, I'm just in love with the idea.
I know that this may seem like a negative post, but it really isn't. I'm finally starting to work on my severe commitment issues and being able to identify what I really want. I still have a LOT of therapy before I resemble a functional human being, but it's nice to be able to say that I am making progress. And it's nice to be able to visualize a future that includes trusting someone and actually letting my guard down enough to let myself love someone romantically.
Part of my commitment to change is to let people know how much I care about them. One way I will show them is to give more hugs. So if you see me... and you want a hug... um... ask me for one... I promise to try and not act super freaked out. And eventually, who knows, I may start to enjoy the hugs!

Are You Afraid Of...

The definition of phobia is a persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous. Generally they are caused by an experience had at some point in ones life that has, in result, given that thing or situation a negative connotation. Sadly… I am someone who suffers from many phobias, but it sure does make life interesting! Following are some of my more prominent phobias.

Achluophobia aka nyctohylophobia, scotophobia, or lygophobia

Fear of the dark... This is actually considered a phase of child development and is heightened by imagination. In most cases, you grow out of your fear of the dark. Not me. I had a night light through high school, used a lamp through my first few years of college, and occasionally leave the hall light on. If you turn the light off, I either need to be drunk, or already have my eyes closed. I think my imagination is a little overactive… I imagine all sorts of terrifying creatures and things in the dark… Darkness also reminds me of a feeling… one that threatens to drag me down into the depths of despair. If there are other people there with me in the dark it’s not so bad. Then my chances of being drug down to hell by a creature of the night are significantly lessened. Because I have my flashlight, so while YOU are being abducted, I’M turning on my light and avoiding eternal damnation. Sorry guys, it’s your soul or mine.

Agoraphobia

This is the fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets; also fear of leaving a safe place. The worst place for me is the Spectrum up at USU. It doesn't matter whether there are a couple of hundred or a couple thousand people there, I can't handle it. I went to a USU Gymnastics meet a couple of years ago, and it did not go over well. I lasted about fifteen minutes before having a panic attack. It's quite embarrassing when you are sitting there watching a routine on the uneven bars and you start hyperventilating and bawling uncontrollably.This is a real bummer because I am unable to go and watch my sister's cheerleading team for fear of freaking out. And I say no to going to see awesome concerts if they are going to be in a venue any larger than a bar.

Amaxophobia

The fear of riding in a car. Being involved in so many accidents has kinda screwed with my head. It's gotten better as time goes on, but I HATE riding in a car. Driving doesn't bother me, it's being a passenger in a car that drives me insane. It goes back to my overactive imagination. Where you see a winding road... I see our bodies horribly mangled and burning in a pile of shapeless metal at the bottom of a ravine. Yes I actually picture this in my head as you are driving. I imagine all of the worst possible scenarios for each situation. I have learned some good techniques to help me cope with this phobia, because in this day and age you HAVE to ride in a car occasionally. So if you are ever driving me somewhere and I seem to be off in my own little world... I AM. Take your pick: Spacey Chontel... or Psychotic Chontel. While you may think the two things are synonymous, they are not.

I Hate Naming Blog Posts

I feel bad that I have left everyone high and dry lately. I don't mean to, I just have so much to do! But I enjoy blogging and I think I will do it more. Even if they aren't long and meaningful posts... Even if they make no sense at all... I would say that my New Years resolution is to write more on my blog. But It's March. A little late eh? Speaking of the month. WTH? It's March already??? This is just insane. This year is already almost 1/4 of the way done, and I still feels like January! Of course the snow isn't helping... It felt like Spring..I was so excited to wear tank tops and capris and flip flops and turn off the heat and turn up the air and drink smoothies while bird watching... (Yes I bird watch, no I don't know what they are).

On another tangent... Being a daywalker has made me feel more insane than ever. Not because I'm not getting sleep, I am. But because I will just be doing my thing and all of the sudden I feel James looking at me with his "uh... what are you doing?" expression. And then I have to explain why I am doing something the way I do it. And when you are forced to analyze the way you do things, you become incredibly aware of your quirks. And I have MANY quirks. And I am incredibly OCD. I think the reason I am just realizing it is because no one has ever said anything, so I don't realize that I'm doing it.

Since this is a random blog, I googled random and found this. It's a website dedicated to random number generating. You can also roll dice, get Keno and lottery numbers and flip a coin. You can even chose what type of coin to flip and the number of coins! I could have a lot of fun with that...

This is the picture I got when Google-ing random:

I like it. I love Google. Whenever I google something, I now click on the image option after finding the website or information that I need. No matter what you google there is some type of image. Yesterday I googled card catalogs and I found a comic blog about a vampiric cat who likes to draw.

I also like this blog. It is Jorge Garcia's blog. Don't know him? You should. He's a funny guy. And hilariously short and to the point.

I think that's all I would like to write about right now. Yeah. It is.

Until next time!

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

I try to be an optimistic person. And I think, in general, I do a good job at this. But lately my faith in the human race is steadily dropping. There is so much hate, and jealousy and ridiculousness. And it makes me sad to see the way that people treat each other. I'm not talking about occasionally having a bad day at being a bitch to people. I'm talking about how tons of people go out of their way to plot and execute these elaborate schemes to screw over someone else. Life really isn't that bad, folks. I have heard horror stories, and I've experienced some things that I would never wish on anyone. I know how cruel life can be, but I also know how wonderful it can be. Why is it that some people take their crappy experiences and go on to be amazing individuals, and others turn into monsters? You can't change another person, all you can do is make yourself into the person that you want to be. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I know that is super cheesy, but all you can do is try. I don't WANT to lose my faith in humanity and my optimistic nature is helping in keeping a sliver of that faith alive. Well, that and the amazing people that I work with. It gives me hope to see people who want to make a difference in others lives. We only live once, and this life goes by too quickly. Why spend it consumed with evil? I am tired of vulgarity, and spite, and hate, and the like. This really is an evil world that we live in, and it is slowly wearing me down.

Everybody Loves, Everybody Fears, Everybody Hates

I've been trying to write the end of year memory blog, and it just wasn't happening. There was so much that happened last year that it's hard to decide what to include. So once again, I have stolen from thePatrick and El Norte. So here are my most memorable moments from 2008.



January - Goodbye parents house! Hello house full of random women...

February - "I'm a tree!", Birth of the BCC, The Creepy


March - "What? That's not the roof of the theater.", "Can I get dressed now?", Bodily Piercings


April - Child Abuse Awareness Month activities, Record number of run-ins with the police


May - PTSD FTW


June - Farewell Alicia :(, Therewhere, Thanks for screwing my friend


July - Mounting horses, GET SET GO!


August - Farewell Ally :(


September - Happy Birthday to ME!, The Reason They're Called Pigs


October - I Love Soup, Sarah is my hetero-soul mate


November - Grave's make me more insane than usual, Creepy Dramatic Men


December - Heroic Guitar Playing, Daywalker


Thank you to all of the wonderful people in my life who help me stay positive. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you guys! (Well I do, but I'd rather not think of it!) I am looking forward to a great year, and I hope that the people currently in my life will be there to share the ride!