Blerg.

Oh my goodness, I have not been this tired in a LONG time. I want to go to sleep right now. But, alas, I cannot. For I must watch sex offenders dream creepy dreams. At least none of them have said my name in their sleep lately. I am so lucky that I have wonderful coworkers that make my job worthwhile. I recently applied for a new position and got it, so soon I will be a day walker. And I will miss working with the people I work with now. Saturday's were always hilarious texting back and forth between staff making fun of one client's eyes or another clients never ending lunacy. It's like the new-fangled, high tech note passing that I so enjoyed during my teenage years. I think text messaging is genius. I can never understand what people are saying when I speak to them on the phone, so half of the time I just kind of let the convo happen and then hope that I didn't miss anything important... It's the times that I try to listen that I get in trouble though... because there is what I hear "He came over and pickled my shower" and what was actually said "I wonder if there's a band at the owl?" OK, so that was a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes I seriously hear the strangest things... and when I ask for the person to repeat what they said over and over, they begin to get annoyed. I can't help it. I read lips. I'm not good enough to ONLY read lips, I need the sounds as well. But I've suffered so much head trauma that my hearing is muffled, and it is very difficult to decipher what people are saying without seeing the words form. I told a coworker this once, so he started talking to me with his hand over his mouth. I started ignoring him. Wow... I am REALLY rambling tonight. I don't even know where I was going with this paragraph when I first started it. I even tried to read through it again, but to no avail.

So I suppose that this is just going to be a random rant. Alrighty. I just lost my train of thought.

So November is a bad month for me. It's always a very busy, very dramatic, very diverse month and the memories make it difficult for me to remain the upbeat, chipper person that I try to be. I was thinking about it today, and I think part of the problem is that I see so many people from my past during the month of November. I treated a lot of people badly back in my "dark ages" and I hurt more people that I could have possibly imagined back then. In the past 4 years I have been attempting to make amends and apologize, and, where possible, reconcile lost friendships and I have made considerable progress. But then there are all of the people who were friends of the people that I hurt or just happen to hear about what I did or said and that is a little more difficult. It's the latter that I tend to run into around town and whenever I am on campus. I knew a lot of people, made quite a name for myself. I'm sure I'm catastrophizing and these people aren't so preoccupied with their disgust for me that they can't function, but to me it feels that way. No one is harder on you than yourself. And while most people wouldn't even recognize me, I know that if they did know who I was, they wouldn't think of the person I am now, rather they would think of the person I was. I don't blame them at all because I am the exact same way. I try not to be that way and to keep an open mind but sometimes I can't help it.

In conclusion, things just seem to be the worst in November. So, if I seem a bit off(more than usual) during the month of November, please just ignore it. I'll be better when November ends. I don't know why, it just happens that way. In the mean time, thank you friends for dealing with my psychosis and for not judging me according to who I was. You are all my heroes.